


Somi, the CHOSEN ONE

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Outlandish Adventures [2]
Category: BLACKPINK (Band), Cthulhu Mythos - H. P. Lovecraft, Jeon Somi - Fandom
Genre: Absurd, Action & Romance, Action/Adventure, F/F, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian Sex, Parody, Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2021-04-09
Packaged: 2021-04-20 06:20:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21953158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Somi's been having a rough time since her debut. She decides to hang out at a party with BLACKPINK. Where everything goes straight to Hell...
Relationships: Ennik Somi Douma | Jeon Somi/Won Minji | Anda
Series: Outlandish Adventures [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672411
Comments: 3
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

You would think that everyone who willingly attended a party would be having fun, wouldn’t you? But you’d be wrong.

Many artists from the ill-fated and ill-run YG Entertainment threw a bash, a get-together to blow off steam. An opportunity to distract themselves from their ever-approaching doom; the collapse of their company; and the drift of their lives soon to follow.

Somi was the youngest in attendance. Her labelmate, Anda, had warned her not to go, but she in the impulsivity of her youth chose to go anyway. It was the same sort of decision-making that cut short, or rather stunted, her career at JYP Entertainment. And boy, how that had turned out! So far, a single, her solo debut, uncompelling in its content, and ignorant of how she got her fans. And we all know how unforgiving Korea is to its idols.

So while it was certainly a bad decision, it was also an understandable one. Idols are human beings after all, and sometimes they just need to decompress. Sometimes they just need to hang out, to chill.

Sometimes they just need to stab a drunken old man with a broken bottle.

Somi had not been there long. Upon her arrival, she immediately sought out the company of Jisoo, Lisa, Jennie, and Rosé. She was a huge fan of theirs, of course, but also they seemed to be the only females present aside from herself. This might have worried her if she had not been so naïve. The other appeal of those four, however, was that they too knew what it was like to spend time in atrophy rather than in promotion.

Somi could never remember afterwards what any of the conversations had been about. The mood was subdued to begin with. The girls had one corner of the room to themselves, and the boys, mostly from iKON and WINNER, simply played Mario-Party-Number-Whatever while calmly nursing their drinks.

Somi, for her part, wasn’t quite yet old enough to drink (or to _buy_ alcohol at least), but she was close enough and nobody who was there at all cared about it. She took advantage of this, and the girls had a grand time in their own little corner. She buried, or should I say drowned her regrets in the moment. Jennie or Jisoo or whoever the case may be would say something funny, and they’d all laugh, and Somi would think about how it should have been her in ITZY, or in Twice, or God forbid she should join BLACKPINK and not have to travel this road on her own. She had been so happy that I.O.I. was planning a reunion, and when that fell apart she was so tortured by the cocktease of it all. She couldn’t take much more of this loneliness. Living in a dorm with other girls had its disadvantages, sure, but loneliness wasn’t among them.

The girls were the last to notice when the old man crashed the party. How he learned of it, or what madness had caused him to think he’d be welcome there was unknowable.

He certainly had a sense of entitlement.

The boys at the party all went silent when he walked in. Thus, his attention was drawn to the noisy girls. He stared at them, his eyes bloodshot, his breath a putrid funk. They bowed when they finally noticed him.

“PD-_nim_, is there something we can do for you?” asked Lisa diplomatically.

Yang Hyun Suk said nothing. The boys began slipping out. Not a single one was brave enough to help the girls stand up to their former boss.

“PD-nim,” said Jennie, “what are you doing here?”

He continued to stare.

“He is really creeping me out,” whispered Somi to Jisoo. Jisoo nodded her agreement. The old man caught them.

“You…_ingrates_,” he growled. “I made you…I made you what you _are!_ And this is the thanks I get? No one wants to see their poor leader, after everything that’s been done to him? _Pathetic!”_

“It’s your own fault,” growled Rosé. “Everything that’s happened to you, it’s because of what _you_ chose to do!”

“Self-righteous bitch. I was in _Seo Taiji & Boys_. There wouldn’t be a K-pop industry if it wasn’t for us!”

“Someone would have had the same idea eventually,” spat back Rosé.

“Says the idol with the least promotion deals. I noticed how much free time they’ve been giving you. I wonder—”

“Shut the fuck up, old man!” shouted Rosé. She clenched her hands into fists at his insult. The old man drew his arm back to strike her, and Somi smashed a glass bottle onto his head.

_“F-fuck—you—”_ he sputtered. His fist connected with the side of her face, and her broken bottle sank deep into his neck.


	2. Chapter 2

_“What did you do!”_ shrieked Jisoo.

Somi looked at her handiwork in disbelief. “What? How did I—I’m sorry!”

_“We’ve got to get out of here!”_ hissed Lisa. She looked around. “Good, we’re alone. Throw that thing in the sink and rinse it out.”

Somi did as she was told, her entire being numb to the core. When she was done, she followed Lisa and the others out of the room.

“Does this thing lock?” Lisa asked.

It did. “The longer it takes for someone to discover the body, the better. Let’s go.”

Lisa led them away, avoiding the elevator for the stairs. They left the building, a nondescript officetel, by a back entrance. Hoods and filter masks and sunglasses all went up, the standard disguise for idols incognito, and off they went on their merry escape. It would be well into the evening by the time they stopped under a bridge.

“My feet hurt so much,” said Jennie. Jisoo put her arms around her. “Did we have to do so much walking?”

“What else could we do?” said Lisa. “We needed to get out of there, and I wanted us to be far away as soon as possible.”

“But we could’ve taken a train,” said Jisoo. “Or a bus, or a taxi…”

“I didn’t think it through, all right? I just thought ‘_run’_ and went with it.”

She looked at Somi and Rosé. “Can’t hardly blame _me_ for overreacting.”

Somi felt her own ruin. “I’m sorry! I wasn’t trying to…to do it. It just _happened_. He was gonna punch Rosé, and I thought he’d get knocked out if I smashed the bottle on his head. I didn’t think he’d shrug it off, and come after me…”

Rosé shook her head. “Don’t blame yourself. That rat bastard shouldn’t have been there in the first place. How’d he even find out about it?”

No one could venture a guess. Rosé continued.

“We’ve gotta just lie low, until we figure out what we’re going to do.”

“Hey, guys,” said Jisoo, “what _are_ we going to do?”

“What do you mean?” asked Lisa.

Jisoo had a thoughtful look on her face. “Do we tell the cops what happened, or do we play dumb?”

Jennie knew what _she_ wanted to do. “They’re going to place us at the party anyway. We might as well come clean.”

“Easy for you to say,” said Rosé, “you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Did nothing wrong? Really?” Jennie glowered at Rosé. “I’ve been on the run for a couple of hours, same as you. That makes me guilty of _something_.”

“She’s right,” said Lisa. “We didn’t report what happened, so we’re all in this together. If the truth comes out, all our careers are over, not just one or two of us.”

“How can you think of career at a time like this?” objected Jisoo.

“I’m not! I’m just…I’m looking for common ground. Something to keep us all on the same side.”

They stood in silence for a moment, alone with their thoughts and the gentle rumble of traffic overhead. After a while, Rosé spoke up.

“We have to go home sometime. Might as well be now, do you think?”

“Sure. It beats freezing down here,” said Jennie.

Lisa nodded. “That settles it. Although, Somi, where will you go?”

Somi felt their eyes on her. “Can’t I stay with you?”

“No, you’re not in BLACKPINK. It would look suspicious if you came to our dorm.”

Somi couldn’t understand her logic. Instead, she thought maybe they just wanted to get away from the murderer. It hurt her so much, but she kept it to herself and nodded.

“One more thing, Somi,” said Lisa, “you should toss that hoody in the river. You’ve got blood spatter on your right sleeve.’

Somi hadn’t seen it. Her hoody was dark, but she trusted Lisa and removed the offending attire. Off it went, into the murk. _Perhaps it will reach the sea_, she thought, but of course it wouldn’t.

They left her, and she had to find her way home by herself. It was cold without the hoody, and much harder to hide her identity. Still, she persevered, reaching her label’s dormitory before midnight. She almost went to her own room, too. Something stopped her, however. It wasn’t any kind of premonition, nor a suspicion of a trap. She just didn’t want to be alone, especially after the cold shoulder the others had left her with. So she knocked on Anda’s door.

Anda seemed pleasantly surprised. She let Somi in, no problem, and was wearing only a bathrobe. Somi had definitely gotten a certain vibe from her in the past, and now it was practically rolling off of her in waves. Ordinarily Somi would not have given any consideration to it, but she was ready to lose herself in experimentation. Anything to keep her mind off what she had done.

“Can I spend the night with you?” she whispered.

“Yes,” said Anda. Somi’s heart skipped a beat at the yearning in Anda’s voice. _She must be so frustrated_, she thought. She decided to lean into it.

“I don’t have a change of clothes,” she explained, “and I need to shower.”

“Okay,” said Anda, “but I only have the one bed.”


	3. Chapter 3

Somi allowed Anda the chance to bathe her. She let herself be lost in the sensuousness of it, and when they were finished, Anda led her to the pleasures of the bedroom. _What have I been missing my whole life_, she thought. Anda soon finished her off, and laid down beside her, looking at her expectantly. Somi realized she would have to reciprocate.

Kissing wasn’t much of a problem, and neither was feeling her up. It was cunnilingus that gave her doubt. _She was so amazing to me, what if I can’t do it right?_ She moved down to the edge of the bed and got on her knees. Anda spread her legs.

“Don’t worry, baby,” said Anda, “just try it.” Somi couldn’t help but think how much better she would have liked doing this to Jennie or Jisoo. Then she felt ashamed, not just for her infidelity to Anda, but also because it reminded herself of her crime. Desperate to distract herself, she dove right in.

Despite her total lack of experience, Anda seemed to being enjoying Somi’s probing tongue and lips. Perhaps slow and sloppy was a legitimate technique all its own. Somi for her part was relieved that the taste was not bad at all, and she even liked rubbing her face in Anda’s bush. Eventually, though, Somi’s mouth got tired, and unwilling to do something so unsanitary as fingerfucking, she chose instead to trib her new girlfriend. An added bonus was her own second orgasm.

***

“I love you,” whispered Anda in her ear.

“I love you, too,” lied Somi. It wasn’t that Somi didn’t like Anda; it was that she had showed up only to seek refuge. She really couldn’t think about love at a time like this, and she dreaded going to sleep. Anda, with nothing egregious on her conscience, fell asleep swiftly. Somi hardly slept at all.

Morning came, and Anda presented Somi with breakfast in bed, a touching gesture otherwise marred by the sordid state of the bedsheets. She wasn’t too careful about where the droplets of maple syrup ended up. Anda was all too happy to suck Somi’s tits clean. Then the phone rang.

“Hello?” answered Anda. “Huh? She’s here. Come on over.”

“Who was it?” asked Somi, worried.

“Lisa. The four of them want to talk to you. Is there something wrong?”

Somi couldn’t hide the guilt on her face.

A knock on the door prevented Anda from asking more questions. She put on her bathrobe and let the others in. Somi didn’t bother covering up.

Jisoo’s reaction was particularly delicious.

“Were you two, uh, you know…” asked Jennie.

Anda answered by hopping back in bed and snuggling.

“Well I’ll be,” muttered Lisa. More loudly, she said, “Turn on the news.”

Anda flipped on her television. There was only one story being broadcast.

“What’s this about?” she asked suspiciously. “Do you have anything to do with this?”

Lisa and company looked at Somi. Somi sobbed.

“It’s my fault. He got violent, and I accidentally…accidentally…stabbed him with a broken bottle.”

Anda regarded her. “You poor thing.” She stroked Somi’s face. “Is this where he hit you?”

Somi touched the spot. It was faintly tender. “Yeah. Is there a bruise?”

“Just a little one.”

Somi took her hand. “So they found him,” she said to Lisa. “What did you come here for?”

“Let’s get our story straight. Say we left before he died. Hopefully they think he did it to himself somehow.”

“Okay.”

“Okay? _Okay?_ That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“What else can I say? I’m sorry!”

Rosé took Lisa aside to calm her down. Jennie stared at the television without really watching, and Jisoo quietly asked Somi a question.

“So, you two…” and she tilted her head towards Anda, “how was it?”

Somi told her it was fucking awesome. Jisoo giggled.

“Quiet,” admonished Jennie, “something’s happened!”

They all gathered around the telly to see that the cops had fished Somi’s bloody hoody.

_“Oh shit!”_ she swore.

“Maybe it won’t matter,” said Anda. “If it’s been in the river, it’s probably contaminated. They might match the blood to that old coot, but I doubt they can connect it to you.”

Somi really appreciated her new girlfriend.

The next item on the news broadcast was a press conference by Seungri. He seemed to be taking the old man’s death pretty hard, which surprised the girls.

“Somebody actually liked him?” wondered Rosé.

Seungri’s speech was fairly boilerplate. He had difficulty delivering it, on account of his perpetual tiredness from the ceaseless parade of interrogations of the past year. If anything, having his old boss die when he himself had a perfect alibi was probably something of a relief. But he didn’t want the public to think so.

_“I swear,”_ said Seungri, _“I shall do everything in my power, to bring the killer to justice.”_

He looked into the camera at that moment, and Somi felt the disturbing sensation that he was looking through it, directly at her, naked in that bed. It didn’t help that the television signal had frozen.

“What’s wrong with it?” she asked. No one answered, and she gasped when she saw her friends had all frozen in time.

“What the fuck?”

_ “Sssssssssooooooommmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.”_

She made a little squeal. The voice had come from the bathroom.

“W-who’s there?”

She got out of bed, bare and defenseless. The others were as statues. It freaked her out, and she almost touched Jisoo’s face to see if she would react, but she thought better of it.

_ “Sssooommmiiii, ccccoooommmeeee hheeerrrrreeee.”_

She went to the bathroom, scared as all hell, and saw in the mirror that her nipples had become unbelievably erect. _I could slice that mirror,_ she thought madly.

The shower curtain was drawn. Something was behind it, something big. Something reclining, with froggy, webbed feet jutting out the far end. She pulled the curtain back.

A big, fat frog-man was lying there, waiting for her. Her eyes were drawn to his reasonably-sized dick, and she involuntarily reached her hand towards it.

_“I’m not really here, silly,”_ said the frog-man.

“Oh. Who are you?”

_ “I am Mr. Frog. I—”_

But Somi couldn’t help but laugh.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. This must be some kind of dream.”

_ “Yes, it is. I’m sending it to you. The time has come to reveal your destiny, girl. You are…the CHOSEN ONE!”_

She was quite nonplussed.

“Huh?”

_ “Shit. I’m running out of time as it is. Come find me in the real world, Somi. And remember…what your father…forgot!”_

She snapped awake to find she was still in bed, although some time had passed. While she had nodded off, the others had crashed while Anda ordered some food delivered for them. It was just now arriving, and despite her breakfast (and everything she had eaten the night before, _heh heh heh_) she was hungry for at least a little bit more.


	4. Chapter 4

“I think I better go see my family,” said Somi. She had dressed in her clothes from last night. Lisa and the others had already left.

“Do you want to go by yourself?” asked Anda.

“I don’t know…” said Somi.

“I’ll go with you, if you want.”

“Really? Thank you.” _She’s so nice to me. Maybe I will fall in love with her…_

Anda gave her a jacket to wear, and the two of them set off across town. No one accosted them, and they arrived at her family’s house to find it unlocked and abandoned.

“Mom? Dad? Evelyn?” she called out. Silence was the only response.

They looked around. There was no sign of a struggle, but something was off. It was as if they left suddenly, and in a hurry.

“What do you suppose happened?” asked Anda. Before Somi could answer, the phone rang.

“H-hello?” said Somi.

_“Sssooommmiii,”_ said the voice of Mr. Frog, _“you need to hurry uuuuuuppppp….”_

“What? Why? What the fuck?”

_ “Youuuu knoooowwww….”_

“Somi, what’s wrong? Is someone threatening you?”

An image slammed into Somi’s mind. It was an innocuous wall in the house.

_“Goooo theerrrreee,”_ said Mr. Frog, _“before the Triiiiaaadddssss cccccoooommmeeee…”_

Somi found the spot. She felt around the wall, stumbling into a trigger that opened a secret passage.

“What kind of house is this?” murmured Anda.

_ “Triads. They’ll fuuuuuuccccckkkkk yyyyyooooouuuuuu uuuuuupppppppp!!!!!”_

And the phone clicked off.

***

They explored the secret passage together, though it wasn’t very big. It was recently emptied, it seemed, and the only things they found were an antique sword and a framed piece of parchment. The parchment read, in an archaic script written in Dutch, the old adage _God made the world, but the Dutch built Holland._

Somi gazed upon it in wonder, until Anda interrupted.

“Somi, who called?”

“I don’t know. But I think they said something about Triads?”

Anda went into full panic mode.

“Triads! Seungri’s trying to kill us!”

She grabbed Somi by the hand and led her forcefully out of the house. It was all Somi could do, not just to keep up, but to hold on to the antique sword. They were only a block away when they heard the house burst into flames.

“Hey! That’s my home!”

“Somi, you need to listen to me, babe,” said Anda. “Seungri is mixed up with some bad people. You’ve got to forget about all that and run.”

Unfortunately, the arsonists had chosen that direction to drive off in, and immediately found them. They formed a perimeter with their cars, and then got out and stood menacingly in a circle, cutting off all escape.

“Andamiro,” said their boss, “this doesn’t concern you. You are free to walk away.”

“What are you going to do?” she begged.

“We know what really happened. We know what Somi did. And while the world’s lost no love for Yang Hyun Suk, he did owe us a lot of money. Seungri’s servicing his own debt by letting us know who to collect on the old man’s.”

“B-b-but I don’t have any money!” whimpered Somi.

The boss thug smiled. “Then you’ll pay it back in blood price.”

He flicked out a switch blade and began advancing on her. Without knowing why, Somi shouted, _“Stadhouder!”_ at the top of her lungs and unsheathed her sword. She sliced the poor fool in half, and his lackeys pissed themselves as they ran away, forgetting their cars in their panic.

Somi was just as surprised as any of them.

“Oh no! I’ve killed again!”

“Somi! What was that? What did you do?”

“I don’t know! I think I just said something in Dutch. But there’s nothing special about that word, how the hell did I manage that?”

“Let’s just swipe one of these cars and get out of here!”

Somi made to sheath her sword when she noticed how odd the blade had become. It was like a mirror, but the reflection in it was from another time and place. She could smell the salt, hear the spray.

_“Zeezwaard,”_ she whispered. She felt it vibrate in response.

***

They ditched the car well away from their destination, instead taking the subway across the city. Given the danger, they decided to get the others and find someplace safe to hole up until they could figure out what to do. They were nearly to BLACKPINK’s dorm when they had the good sense to call ahead.

“Holy shit,” said Rosé, “there are a bunch of underworld types prowling around outside the building. They haven’t come in yet, but it’s only a matter of time, and if we keep peeking out the window at them they’re gonna shoot us for sure!”

“Don’t worry, we’ll get you out of there,” said Somi. She hung up the phone.

“Why are they after them? They already know you did it,” said Anda.

Somi frowned. “Maybe it’s because I can’t pay them off. They need to extort someone with more money, and they’re at least tangentially guilty.”

Anda nodded. “So, what’s the plan? How are we gonna get them out?”

“Um, let’s just waltz right in there.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, there’s a ton of witnesses around. They can’t do shit.”

The two of them strode forward. Some of the thugs noticed and recognized them. They moved to cut our heroines off.

“Out of my way, motherfuckers,” said Somi.

“Give us our money, bitch.”

Somi held her sword tight. She didn’t want to slice anyone with so many bystanders around, so she stuck the man in his nuts with the pommel. A remarkably froggy pommel.

He went down like a sack of bricks, as did the one Anda kicked in the sack.

“Wow, being with you is quite an adventure,” said Anda. Somi didn’t answer, as they had to sprint to beat the rest of the thugs to the doors of the building. They just made it inside, though they were closely followed. Waiting inside the lobby was a mob of private security guards. Unlike the thugs, they had a sense of _honor_.

“Fuck you _mafioso_ scum!” And the melee was on.


	5. Chapter 5

Somi and Anda made it upstairs and found their friends.

“What’s happening—” began Lisa.

“Whoa, where’d you get that sword?” interrupted Jisoo.

“No time, let’s go!”

She led them down to a back exit, but it was full of thugs.

_Damn, I’m going to have to go_ Oldboy _on their asses. But at least I can cut them._

She sliced one up, then another.

_“Somi, stop!”_ screamed Jennie.

She looked at her. “Why? They’re out for blood!”

One of the thugs took advantage of her distraction to sucker punch her. She reeled, swinging her sword wildly, and taking off his head.

“Augh!” screamed BLACKPINK.

The other thugs ran. “Come on, let’s get out of here!”

They all slipped and slid on the bloody floor tiles, but they made it out alright. Now all they had to do was figure out where to go.

“We’re covered in gore!” shrieked Jennie. “Where the hell can we go?”

A vision entered Somi’s head, an entrance to a vast refuge of the forgotten. She led them onward. Night fell, and still they ran. Finally, they had to catch their breath.

_“Where—are—you—taking—us?”_ asked Lisa, panting.

“Neverwhere,” said Somi.

“_Neverwhere?_ Where the hell’s that?”

“Exactly.”

***

She led them to the nearest subway station. It was curiously empty, except for the mysterious train that was waiting for them. It was so decrepit that Somi thought for a second that it must have crossed the border from North Korea. There were only two carriages, and they entered the one up front.

_“Greetings, Chosen One,”_ said a familiar froggy voice. It came from the driver’s compartment.

“Hi. Uh, what are you?” said Somi. She was as polite as she could manage under the circumstances.

_“The last of an ancient people. Perhaps you can help me with that. But now, let us depart, before the noose tightens.”_ He pulled a lever and the train slowly accelerated.

“Wow, you really are a frog-man!” gushed Jisoo. The others expressed similar sentiments.

_ “I have activated the autopilot. There is a hot tub in the other car. Care to join me?”_

They blinked at him, then agreed, intrigued. He led the way, not at all bashful about his junk.

***

The six of them thoroughly enjoyed the antics of Mr. Frog, although they ruined the carpet with their excessive splashing. Having cummed his brains out multiple times, Mr. Frog was now taking a well earned nap. The girls found fluffy white bathrobes to wear and hung out, exploring the tiny train.

“So who is this guy?” asked Jennie.

“I don’t know. I saw him in a dream back at Anda’s. He showed me where to find this sword, and that I needed to _remember what my father forgot._”

Rosé blinked at her. “What does you killing the old man have to do with your dad? And what’s it got to do with Mr. Frog, either?”

_“Nothing. And everything.”_ Mr. Frog had woken up! He was wearing silk pajamas and smoking a pipe, except the pipe was for blowing bubbles.

“Do you have any thing better to say than that?” asked Anda.

_ “No. Young Miss Somi needs to figure out her destiny on her own. And you all are to help her. Yes, you’ve been drawn in to this. To what end I know not. But in four days, we will reach Mt. Baekdu.”_

The girls all stared at him in shock. _“Mt. Baekdu!?!”_

_ “Yes. There are many tunnels connecting the Koreas. They were first built during the war, when the Americans bombed the piss out of anything they could see from the air. Most are abandoned now, haunted by the dead. But I know the route to Heaven Lake. There, something will happen, I am sure of it.”_

“You just don’t know what,” said Somi.

_ “Exactly. Hopefully, it will be suitably epic, however.”_

***

They arrived just as cabin fever was beginning to rear its ugly head. Not a moment too soon, they emerged near a dock on Heaven Lake. Much of the water was icy, and there was snow on the ground. Mr. Frog had given the girls random winter clothes he’d scrounged from the Seoul Underground over the years. He himself wore multiple layers of Mall Santa outfits. Somi thought he looked quite charming in them.

_ “Looks like the coast is clear. Miss Somi, you need to investigate the lake.” _He stepped out from the train, only to be immediately killed by a man wielding a flaming sword. The girls screamed in shock as the man rolled away.

He stood up to face them.

_“Seungri! You bastard!”_ screamed Somi.

His eyes were literally fire, and he laughed at her.

_ “Little girl, you have no idea what forces you are messing with. I am supranational! No borders can contain me!”_

Somi shut him up by attacking him with her sword. Their fight was soon accompanied by loud jeers. Hundreds of North Korean soldiers stood watching them from the slopes above. Even if she won her duel, their was no way they could escape the gulags now. Unless…

“Hey! You guys! Can you do something about them?”

BLACKPINK, mesmerized by the spectacle of the clash of swords, had nothing to offer. But Anda was struck by inspiration.

“Those snow drifts look unstable! Hurry! If we sing loud enough, we may trigger an avalanche!”

They gave it a shot, deliberately disharmonizing, and sounding like the brown noise. The discordant notes worked, and the North Korean troops were swept into the lake. Seungri screamed, “Noooo!!!!” and shook his fist. This was all the chance Somi needed to slice his head clean off.

“Oh God! She keeps killing!” whimpered Jennie. Somi turned to her and shrugged.

“Your body count is higher than mine right now.”

She turned to look at Heaven Lake. The waters were strangely placid, after everything that had just happened. Somehow, she knew what to do, and placed the tip of her sword in the water. The reflection changed, and they all saw a starry night sky. Something huge and dark lurked within.

“It’s Cthulhu!” shrieked Jisoo.

“Hey, you! Hands up!” It was more Triads! They had crossed the border in speed boats. Somi knew they didn’t stand a chance against so many guns, so she surrendered. Their hands were tied up and bags placed over their heads. They were taken across the water, then down the mountain to a van.

“Someone wants a word with you,” one of them said.

***

Hours later, the van stopped moving. They were taken out and led indoors. Somi could tell from the sounds and smells they were near the sea. Strangely, she seemed to feel it more acutely than she’d ever had before.

They were stopped, and their heads uncovered. An old woman, clearly a gangster, frowned at them.

“You’ve cost me a lot of money recently. What am I going to do with you?”

Lisa blurted out, “We’re famous! Do anything to us, and you’ll be sorry!”

The old woman shook her head. “We are in Dalian, in China, and we don’t give a fuck what the world thinks of us. So I think you’ll be lucky I just take a kidney from each of you. You only need one, each.”

One of the Triads was holding Somi’s sword. In a burst of panic, she held out her bound hands, and willed it to her. The sword leapt to her grip, and she started slaying. None of them had brought their guns in with them, either, and magic sword clearly beats knives.

_“Oh God, I am so clearly traumatized!”_ yelled Jennie. Lisa shushed her and picked up weapons from the fallen, removing her bonds.

“Let’s get out of here!”

But the door was locked.

“We are so going to kill you, once our backup arrives!” said a man’s voice on the other side. He was another Triad goon.

“What are we going to do?” asked Jisoo, Rosé, and Anda.

“Look at Somi,” said Lisa.

Somi was whispering to her magic, mirrored blade. “Oh Dark God, please grant us your boon…”

She kissed the sword, and the world outside went silent. Then they heard a rush of water, then screams, and a huge roar. Somi kicked open the door to find the Triads had run for their lives. Wading in the sea, taking on the People’s Liberation Navy, Air Force, and Naval Air Force, was not the Old One himself but rather one of his lesser minions.

It was Godzilla.

_“Rrraaaawwooooaaarrrrrrr!”_ it roared violently.

“This is our chance!” shouted Somi. She led the others through the chaotic streets to steal a boat at some docks. They fled south into the sea.

Rosé tried to console Jennie. “There, there, we’ll all be home soon.”

“Not likely,” said Anda. “Does anyone have a working GPS?”

It turns out, they’d left their phones in the train back on Mt. Baekdu.

“Oh no, we’re fucked,” mewled Jennie.

“Nonsense,” said Somi. “I can guide us using sea-magic. In my sword.”

“Where is this all from?” asked Lisa.

“It’s all coming back to me now. My dad’s Dutch-Canadian. Well, the Dutch reclaimed land from the sea back in the middle ages, but what my family (not just my dad) forgot is something that all Dutch people had forgotten. We are children of Cthulhu. There was an old temple buried in the sediments the kingdom reclaimed, and inside was the legacy of my people. Dad must have kept this sword as an heirloom and forgotten it. Now I am the last of the Lords of the Sea.”

“Well, that is just hunky-dory,” said Jisoo.

Somi was able to guide them back to Korea, but they made landfall a little too early. After hiking for a few hours, they found a large city of crumbling and pastel concrete, on fire.

“Is that Pyongyang?” asked Anda. “What the hell is happening?”

It turned out that the death of Yang Hyun Suk set a chain of events in motion, besides the ones involving our heroes. A web of underworld ties extending into North Korea was exposed, and both sides lashed out in response. But the South Koreans managed to take out North Korea’s nukes before they could be used, and then it turned out that starving soldiers do not an effective army make. The commies didn’t stand a chance. ROK troops picked up the girls on the outskirts of Pyongyang, and with the war afoot, no one was interested in the mysterious deaths of a total douchebag anymore. The girls were able to live happily ever after, except for Jennie’s PTSD.

***

Meanwhile, it took the destruction of half the Chinese military to put down Godzilla. Embarrassed by this poor showing, the Chinese government covered the whole thing up. The End.

**Author's Note:**

> I remember reading months ago a little blip of a news story wherein Somi had read a fanfic about herself and commented about it needing more character development.
> 
> This is my extremely belated, extremely sarcastic response.


End file.
